Once again it's been a while

   However, I feel that things have gotten stable enough to really say that they are getting -better-. I spent only a few more days in the hospital right before new years and then returned home. My AV graft is working beautifully and I am feeling better and stronger all the time. New Years eve for me heralded in a new perspective for me and a chance at living a life again.
   My DH was told when he returned after the holidays that he would be a permanent solution to their problems so any concern we had about weather or not we needed to be looking for a new position for him this year are gone. What a friggin relief that is! It has been since the beginning of our relationship back in 07 that He was laid off from work and had not had a long term position since then. It's been going from one temp assignment to the next, one seasonal job to the next. It was making us both very crazy. Knowing now that he is somewhere that he is needed and also that it is some place that he truly -enjoys- for a chance is making us both feel much more stable.
   I also have made a change. I've gone back to school. After a vision a dear friend had about my becoming a private investigator. I've taken it a step further and have enrolled at Kaplan University downtown for criminal justice. I'm having an amazing time, it seems like this is exactly what I am supposed to be doing. My mind feels stretched and used and I am more peaceful than I have been in forever.
   Amazingly enough the housework is still getting done and dinner is on the table. I'm not feeling rushed or over worked in any way.

~THank You, G-d for bringing me peace.

Musing

Something in my head broke tonight. Not in a bad way, although it hurt at first. I'm thinking more clearly now than I have since I had gotten sick. Last night my Husband confronted me with the face that I had been holding everything in, being strong for everyone around me and not really internalizing what was happening. He, in short made me cry for the first time since I was hospitalized. Well, first time in front of anyone at least. I learned then that tears shared are healing while tears hidden just hurt you more.

   I know what I want my life to look like now if I am given the chance. I had an idea before, but now it's crystal clear. I wish to obtain my addictions certificate and finally begin practicing my art/skill/science on a volunteer basis at my Temple and in my community. I also hope to obtain a job where Rob can choose if he wants to work or remain home with the kids or not. I have very little desire for anything for my self anymore...it's fleeting. The changes I can help others make though, that is lasting.

   So, for those who have been keeping track of everything...now you know why I desire to live. At least one of the reasons.

   Tomorrow, I wake to something new..something I've not had in a very long time. Purpose. I will undergo all the tests I am given with as much grace as I can and endure what is necessary to see myself a full return to health so that I may complete the work I have known for so long but hesitated at before.