Something in my head broke tonight. Not in a bad way, although it hurt at first. I'm thinking more clearly now than I have since I had gotten sick. Last night my Husband confronted me with the face that I had been holding everything in, being strong for everyone around me and not really internalizing what was happening. He, in short made me cry for the first time since I was hospitalized. Well, first time in front of anyone at least. I learned then that tears shared are healing while tears hidden just hurt you more.
I know what I want my life to look like now if I am given the chance. I had an idea before, but now it's crystal clear. I wish to obtain my addictions certificate and finally begin practicing my art/skill/science on a volunteer basis at my Temple and in my community. I also hope to obtain a job where Rob can choose if he wants to work or remain home with the kids or not. I have very little desire for anything for my self anymore...it's fleeting. The changes I can help others make though, that is lasting.
So, for those who have been keeping track of everything...now you know why I desire to live. At least one of the reasons.
Tomorrow, I wake to something new..something I've not had in a very long time. Purpose. I will undergo all the tests I am given with as much grace as I can and endure what is necessary to see myself a full return to health so that I may complete the work I have known for so long but hesitated at before.
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